sábado, junio 30, 2007

Hostias Gratis

Han de ser flácidas y abundantes, preferentemente. Levemente coloradas. Regordetas. A ser posible, estiradas hacia el suelo por efecto de la gravedad. El sujeto que las porte ha de tener expresión estúpida. La mirada perdida, si lo encuentran. Aún así, aún no reuniendo estas condiciones ideales, debe usted perseverar en su propósito. Cualquier mejilla es susceptible de ser abofeteada, eso es claro. Para llevar a cabo la bofetada coloque su mano abierta y rígida a unos treinta centímetros del rostro del abofeteado potencial. La palma perpendicular a la superficie a golpear. Inicie bruscamente, cuando menos se lo espere el espécimen, un movimiento que describa una trayectoria circular hasta impactar contra su cara. El impacto debe ser seco y resonar. He aquí una bofetada limpia y perfecta. Después del punto cúlmen continúe el movimiento de la mano hacia el otro lado de la cara, que estará girándose hacia a un lado alrededor del eje de las vértebras cervicales. Si usted aspira a nota puede rematar la faena con un sencillo movimiento de revés. Para ello, al final del primer arco de circunferencia, retome el movimiento en sentido inverso siguiendo la misma trayectoria. Golpeará, esta vez, la cara del sujeto, que estará recuperando su posición original, con el dorso de la mano. Su impacto lo recibirá otra mejilla. Habrá golpeado usted, en una sola operación abofeteadora, ambos lados de su cara. El sujeto abofeteado girará, simétricamente, su cabeza en el sentido opuesto al anterior. Si una gota de saliva se desprende de sus labios dibujado una parábola antes de perderse en el ambiente, habrá alcanzado usted la perfección.

Salgan a la calle. No sean moñas. Hay que dar más bofetadas. A cualquiera que se cruce. Lo merecen. Salgan a la calle con un cartel que diga: Hostias Gratis.

156 comentarios:

annabellee dijo...

A mí esa idea me suena de algo...

Abril dijo...

A mí nunca me han pegado una hostia... así que menos que me la den gratis.
Y lo de los abrazos tampoco.
Esto es todo para propiciar el contacto... como cuando sales al bar o a la discoteca, de ese tipo.
Ciao.

nancicomansi dijo...
Este comentario ha sido eliminado por el autor.
nancicomansi dijo...

JA,jA,ja...que buenísimo y contundente!!! yo, que soy muy "rabiosa" con la mayoría de gente con la que me cruzo (luego las conoces, las personas que pasan a ser, digo, y resulta que son hasta simpáticas...)
Repartiría hostias a diestro y siniestro...
Seguro que me iría a la cama mucho más contenta si materializara este tipo de "fantasías" que constantemente tengo, cuando voy por la calle, en el metro, en el super...
Tendrías

Helena dijo...

¡Muy bueno!

:-)

Batiscafo dijo...

yo cualquier día me lanzo a hacerlo
y no es coña

El detective amaestrado dijo...

Falta encontrar a los de "cachetes propicios"

Batiscafo dijo...

no hace falta, un buen moflete y el resto va sólo
o ni siquiera, una cara es suficiente, y de eso tenemos todos
vaya como me ha motivado tu entrada de hoy

tras esto sólo el tema del maquillaje me interesa más

Expediente X dijo...

En mi caso, digo yo,
sería "Expedientes X gratis"...

Evatómica dijo...

jajaja!!me ha echo mucha gracia, copiando un poco a nancicomanci, yo también soy un poco"rabiosa" y en másde una ocasión se me ha pasado por la cabeza...pero la realidad es que jamás nadie me ha dado por la calle ni una colleja...Ese método es el que propone mi hermano para los violadores...pederastas...en la carcel, todos los días una hora a bofetones...la idea también promete, no? Habra que recapacitar

maite dijo...

precisamente ayer en el super...nada de hostias...la hubiera matao!!! me voy a echar al bolso el rollo de cinta americana

una vida lo que un sol dijo...

incitas a la violencia, txe, qué provocador!!Jajajajajaja...

Se aprecia sólo levemente en la descripción de la bofetada su parte de hombre de ciencias...

Yo, soy más de besos, ¿gratis? Eso depende.

Muuuas!

Lluna de foc dijo...

No soy violenta peró a veces me dan ganas de repartir hostias por doquier!!!!!!! y reconzco que últimamente tengo lista de personas para darles hostias!! Tendre que salir ala calle y empezar a repartir, eso si no quiero recibir yo....

superpicnic dijo...

Fresh ostias for free!!

nancicomansi dijo...

Uy!!! que el final de mi comentario no salió...
decía que tendrías que leer el libro de Ramón de España "El odio"...ya verías, ya...

txe dijo...

lo he leido, de hecho

desorden dijo...

Secundo tu idea! El contacto físico favorece a acortar distancias espirituales. Aunque sea a hostias. En el fondo, es por su bien...
PD: Felicidades retrasadas. Tuvo huevos el cielo de caerse?

La cónica dijo...

Txe, me recuerdas a Cortázar. No suelo piropearte tanto, pero ya ves. A sus instrucciones.

Me gusta que no entres en dilemas morales tipo "Se la merece-no se la merece-se la merece-...)

No sé si es una descripción de guionista, plano por plano, de satisfacción por una hostia bien dada o un: dártela no te la voy a dar, pero no sabes cómo me la imagino.

Alnitak dijo...

Bueno, yo soy de las defensoras de lo s abrazos gratis así que no entraré en debates sobre el contenido ;-)

En lo literario, como dice La cónica a mí también me ha recordado mucho a Cortázar, y eso siendo uno de mis escritores favoritos ya es mucho decir... :-)

Miriam G. dijo...

A mi gracias a Dios, no me recuerdas a Cortazar.

Un beso, Miriam G.

aprendiza de risas dijo...

El control emocional es el mayor de los logros. Todas las manifestaciones exageradas de sentimientos negativos, son pura basura, bajezas humanas, incluidas las bofetadas.
Por los cimientos se comienzan grandes edificios.

Una coseta, ¿para dar una bofetada pones la mano perpendicular a la cara? Yo siempre hubiese pensado que era paralela... En fin, ya me explicarás, por si pierdo el control...

Besetes pacíficos,

Beauséant dijo...

no hay nada como una buena hostia para entrar en razones ;) me has recordado las insturcciones para llorar del señor Cortazar...

nicoletta dijo...

violencia grtuita, no gracias

Itoitz dijo...

La verdad que es una buena terapia para focalizar las tensiones...

juan rafael dijo...

Pues que bien, así no hay que poner la otra mejilla.
Saludos.

martamun dijo...

Muy Cortázar :)

elefante rosa fanzine dijo...

ayyy
y qué fue del amor y sus manifestaciones?
llámame hippy despistá, buenrollera, comeflores o lo que quieras pero no me hace ninguna risa lo de abofetear a ningún ser humano...
confío en que tu ironía
salud
alma

Yayo Salva dijo...

Excelente página de manual. Y si pone la otra mejilla, mejor.

txe dijo...

Vaya, gracias por las comparaciones con el enorme cronopio. Mi dicción, aún así, es mejor. Espero que no la utilicen para anunciar bugas.

Ah, y gracias por la observación en torno a la perpendicularidad/paralelismo. Me hice un lío porque en geometría para caracterizar un plano se utiliza el vector perpendicular a su superficie, no así en la vida diaria donde ustedes viven.

saludos

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Valeria dijo...

Algunos del Congreso merecen más de un par. No sé si irme a pasar la tarde para cuando vayan saliendo...
Mi cartel diría que son 100 Euros cada una, por memos.

Son dijo...

A mí también me ha recordado a las 'instrucciones' de Cortázar. Está muy bien esta entrada (y el blog en general)
Saludos!

pcbcarp dijo...

Muy bien expuesto, sí señor. Pero yo siempre he sido partidario de describir un arco cercano a los 180 grados, partiendo de la mano derecha situada algo detrás de mi cabeza y con una trayectoria ligeramente descendente (salvo que el tipo sea muy alto, en cuyo caso, probablemente, me contentaría con la violencia verbal mientras me repliego ordenadamente sobre mis posiciones de partida) Salvo que haya vuelto a beber, claro.

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